| THE CHRISTMAS ENTRY |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|03:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | better | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Breakfast Club on TV | ] | I think I'm a bit depressed.
Depression doesn't get me the way most people think of depression. I just don't do much and get moody. I know it's not very noticeable, but I feel like crap. I think I realized it after the blizzard, when people started getting out and I kept hearing about how some just wanted to go outdoors, complaining of "cabin fever." I haven't left the house since the blizzard, and wouldn't mind staying in longer...
I don't think this is a chemical unbalanced sort of depression. I suppose it's a number of things coming together.. as much as I keep talking shit about Freud, the "talking cure" seems ideal for this. Maybe I just need me a good cry. But I'm afraid that'll just make it worse -I'll start crying and then find myself unable to stop...
It's Christmas eve, and I don't think i'm going home... I had told my mom I wouldn't. Everybody knows why -I don't want to see her boyfriend, who has totally taken control over my mother and what used to be my house. It's his house now, and I'm going to be totally rude, refusing to speak to or acknowledge him, and someone is going to make a scene (him, my mom, or me) and everyone is goign to get unconfortable, and then I'll be blamed for ruining Christmas or something like that. I want to avoid all of it, so I decided to skip it this year. Also, Faustino is the sort of dickhead that'll pull something like "It's christmas, I forgive you, you can come back to the house because I'm sucha kind anf big-hearted soul." He needs to get deported (why hasn't that happened? the idiot has an awful record). But Audrey and her family want me to go (becuase Malenita is a bitch and went to Texas with her dumbass boyfriend's family) What a fucking idiot. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY. The whole old maid thing is beginning to look really good...
I've never spent a Christmas alone... I want to be with my mom and eat her food! >__< I do want to go, but what if I do and things end up being worse? What am i going to do if she tells me "if you were going to be like this, you should've just not come"? I don't want to be a bitch, but I don't want to have to put up with shit either. why do I have to comform?and, and, and -mario and maria, close your eyes! seriously, I'm going to feel like an idiot... I haven't talked to, far less seen mario in weeks! maria is in town, and i really don't think they care to see me. I know i live farther now, and that my not having a phone at the moment makes contacting me even harder -but SHIT, it's not impossible. i put myself out there, saying we should get together (left message on lj, talked to maria), they're both on break, and i know they've been hanging out, and, and... ah fuck it.
I feel like shit. People haven't paid me, and I need money to pay my "rent" and move somewhere. I've been here about a month and haven't been able to contribute anything. I try to help out, but I'm still being a freeloader. Hector and Audrey haven't said anything to me, but I don't want them to think I'm taking advantage... which, until I can give them some money, I TOTALLY AM! I had promised myself I would never be a burdain again, and then this month has just SUCKED! I don't start teaching again until the middle of January. What am I supposed to do? One of their dogs is sickly -they just spent $580 on her vet, and here I am, just being a drain. Why is everything bad happening at the same time?
OK. nobody gets to overeact. I'm not having suicidal thoughts and I'm completely incapable of killing myself, but the whole notion of me not being around has been playing in my head a lot lately (this is the point that made me think maybe I'm depressed). I don't know. the time when everything will be ok seems so distant. Almost like it's never going to get here. Again, it's not like I'm going to kill myself... this feeling is more like I'm not going to get there, like I won't survive this. I know, it sounds grim and dramatic, but it's not. It's a very calm, matter-of-factly feeling...
Usually I'm pretty optimistic, but lately (especially today) not su much. I know I'll be ok. I'm going to take a shower. I'm half-hoping I get forced to go to my mom's -I mean, Faustino's house. well, at least I doubt anyone got to read all of this. I know I probably wouldn't.
so... MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS <3
-aaaaand I'm done. |
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